Life After Cancer.. and my fun...

I have been in a struggle for some time, since my diagnose with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma B-Cell High Grade in 2003. Life has changed a lot of my perspective. Recently I was just thinking to myself and to really realize that my life has changed. Beyond the psychological and emotional consequences of how cancer affected me, my family, and my relationships, it is undeniable and abundantly clear that cancer took its toll on me from a physical & emotional perspective.

Since 2003, it has been a rocky road for me, both physical and emotional. Since the cancer I have a rough luck with relationships, and emotionally it has made me feel like I don't need to exist, in which it makes me feel like I should have never survived the cancer because the hardships to find a companion is taken it's toll. Even when I was married with my ex wife would call me names to enrage the conflict even more to hurtfully gain a point in my life that left me feeling like I wished it would of never happened, and back to wishing I never survived the cancer and have died instead. I can't escape now as even the ugliest fat women reject me and that says a lot, rejection hurts even when it's by everyone. I seem to can't really make good enough friends unless it's online via gaming.  Feeling like the lone wolf at times, or sitting at home alone watching a movie sucks. But what else can I do? I have to live this life as it was a draw of either luck or a curse yet I feel it is more of a curse then anything. One of the things that bother me is when ex would of said I am very hard to approach as a person and I see this coming from others especially at work and it also takes it toll as it makes me feel alienated, unwanted, unhelpful and many more. 

Physically, I lost my teeth due to the cancer and chemotherapy so smiling has been always a frown, I had a set of dentures but when I was screwed and stabbed in the back by my business partner in Redmond I didn't get a chance to enjoy at least a smile. While I am at it, since the chemo I have been dealing with weight issues since, dropping fat% is very hard now but upping my muscle mass seems to be very easy as I can bench 210lbs as of today but up until 2006 I could barely lift 90lbs. So the body fat and not having teeth has it's physical effect on me and does make me feel depressed at times.

What motivates me to keep pushing forward? myself is a self motivator, I strive to fight and keep alive.  I rather be turned into a cyborg and be fitted to travel space, then to die off on this planet, and be praised by gods that doesn't exist.

Back in 2003 till 2006ish I had anger issues, I felt frustrated with life and no idea why in general I didn't fully understand it was due to social  society rejection or at-least that is how I felt and that felt upon the Marriage in 2007, as soon as I was married I felt the rejection of my wife then. When I moved to Oregon, I found a new way to re-attach to society and be some what social-able in 2010. I regain a new love for myself and started to be more self aware of my issues personally and emotionally. Today I still feel socially detached but not as bad as it used to be, since the love to drift and as I get better the more socially I feel like I am being with my car and ride. The car may not be fully much but knowing the story and history of my car is what really brought me together. It helped me strengthen my career with IT, as this was one of my issues prior to Oregon in 2010 and self discovery.  But relationship status I am still single and still being rejected from looks as I feel like Shrek and rejection from women sucks and that feeling I will never have a family of my own hurts.  But what can I do? is keep trying maybe the world will shift in my favor soon. But that emptiness in my life still have the dark side of feeling sad and alone after surviving cancer and in which I still hope to this day that I will find someone that will lift my spirits and help me not feel so sad and alone.