kallador's blog

I have been in a struggle for some time, since my diagnose with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma B-Cell High Grade in 2003. Life has changed a lot of my perspective. Recently I was just thinking to myself and to really realize that my life has changed. Beyond the psychological and emotional consequences of how cancer affected me, my family, and my relationships, it is undeniable and abundantly clear that cancer took its toll on me from a physical & emotional perspective. Since 2003, it has been a rocky road for me, both physical and emotional. Since the cancer I have a rough luck with relationships, and emotionally it has made me feel like I don't need to exist, in which it makes me feel like I should have never survived the cancer because the hardships to find a companion is taken it's toll. Even when I was married with my ex wife would call me names to enrage the conflict even more to hurtfully gain a point in my life that left me feeling like I wished it would of never happened, ...

In re-action after reading this. http://www.rappler.com/life-and-style/relationships/75808-dating-filipino-woman-lessons?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=referral When I got the hook up from my step fathers, brothers, wife's niece. I was expecting an awesome relationship as I have heard from stories even on this. Instead I learned nothing, but what a real "Village Bi-Cycle" is metaphorically speaking. First I learn was Lies and Betrayal from the start and hard way to learn is never keep going as it only gets darker from there. When I learned that she came here upon force and when she was here she was pregnant already from a guy from the village. I learned then and there, I should of placed a stop to it and let go. Second was the sequential "Hidden Agenda" of the solo girl. Upon being here, her only main agenda is her family. I attempted to help but all that did for me was cause more grief then good. Sacrifices I have made to help her out was all my wrong d...

Seriously leave me alone, I swear stop harassing me, I don't want your money I don't give a flying fuck about you nor your life. You fucked me out of my life living in Redmond Oregon, But I wasn't the only one who you fucked as well. You couldn't handle me as an employee instead you wanted a closet monkey slave and knowing that Oregon allows for closet monkey slaves it was in to your gain. Fuck that, just leave me alone you lonely and shit excuse of a human being. I want nothing to do with you. You need to find someone else that you can con and manipulate because I am not going to be that guy.

I am seriously stuck in life, I feel like I am trapped once again... this time I feel like there is no way out. How do I get out of here? Where can I proceed in life that doesn't involve living with my parents again? I can't take this stress anymore that they cause, I can't take how they are. They are always arguing, fighting, promising and never delivering =( I want to go back up to Oregon but how can I? even people who promise me things are not delivering.. most I can do is keep false hope alive I guess, I don't know no one wants to help and the one who does cannot really help or isn't helpful as I wished he would be.  I can't stand it here, I can't stand not having privacy, can't stand not able to enjoy my days off alone like I want to, I can't stand no able to sleep on a bed. I don't know what to do, there is just nothing I can do. No one wants to hire me and I am stuck with this job at a shitty pay. Nothing what I should be making wi...

I am getting really tired of life, I am getting to a point that I will do anything to end this struggle even if it means my end. I put so much trust in people because I have nothing and if I am going to continue to struggle then I don't want to keep going,  fuck everyone I am tired, and done I want to thrive but how? Every time I try it ends no where but pain. I am tired of pain, I want it all to stop, I am soon alone in this world this pain just wont stop.  Anyways this is my current feelings.

/sarcasm on Why did I said yes to this company and agreed to such a shitty pay for? Oh yes that is right, no one is hiring in what I am actually skilled for and I am defiantly struggling to get my business on the ground. So meh... smh.. lol... /sarcasm off Yes here I have done it, made a huge loop in my life, were I feel like an utter and truthfully a looser. That is right, Not only I have managed to move back in with my parents, I have managed to take a job with the company I spent 7 years with and get this. Same low pay and over worked feeling. This has just became dull and I realize now how unprofessional and micro managed this company really is. Not to talk bad about it, but I do see changes to keep it from going that direction but regardless I have asked a few times to help change the way things are but denied as my requests come to me as I feel that I am just here for the ride and that I am cheap labor and I should just shut the f*** up. So here I am being ...

Ever wake up, or to that factor wake up every day and go. This is not me, this is not my life, this is defiantly not my home and go what the f. happened? It's like what did happen and why did I let myself be the way things are now? From McGee' and his con artist bullshit to my ex wife and her bullshit. I for one is glade all that bullshit is over with, but it still breaks my heart that Ivy turned out the way she did, all the letters turned out to be a lie and I still wish to this day that it wasn't, I wished that it never ended the way that it did or a resolution to what has happened to clear things up. It is like wtf? Why can't McGee let it rest? I hear all this bullshit that is defaming my name. I have planed to make my return but what the fuck is this pussy shit? He's over 50+ and he acts like a 4 year old pussy footing around me and not being a grown man like he claims to be. Just like he claims to be a computer Guy when in fact he is not. I feel sorry for a...